You think you have it bad?

Things happen for a reason. We are told this over and over again. It's just so easy to doubt that its true. It makes me feel better to blame someone - to hold a grudge against someone - and for the longest time it was God. I have had a hard life but I keep pushing through. I dont know anyone that has had it easy. My mom died when I was in high school. I got pregnant and married at 16. Divorced at 20. It was so easy to put the blame on someone. I can remember thinking if there was a God then my mother would not have died. I felt alone and isolated. I wasn't. I shut people out - and kept to myself. I spent all of my time with Brandon. My mom was my rock. Few people know this but when she died I was very depressed - and thought many times about not going on. I wanted to die. This was one of the hardest times of my life. And then along comes Christian. Pregnant at 16 was not easy. It caused problems with my dad and step mom. It caused problems with me being in high school. 9 months later for the first time in a long time there was a peep of sunshine in my life again. Christian gave me a resaon to get up in the mornings. A reason to breathe. A reason to live.

And I remember Brandon leaving - and being on my knees praying and screaming to God that he was ruining my life. Why on earth would you ruin my marriage? What would people think? how would I go on? How would I breathe? Times were really hard - divorce was hard. Brandon had been there for me through my moms illness. He held my hand and wiped my tears. He reminded me that I would be ok. He was there. and just like that he wasnt. So my thoughts are - this God that can create miracles sure hasnt created one in mine. KEEP READING. DONT GIVE UP ON ME YET!!

A few weeks later - while at work and completely unexpecting anything - I met Brad at a coke machine. At a coke machine of all places. I knew the moment we spoke that I loved this man. You can call me crazy all you want. I knew. We went on a date that night and at the end of the night I told him I was going to marry him one day. And...I did. the love I share with him is unlike any other love I have ever experienced. It's endless. Something about the way he looks at me. I trust him. Trust - something I never had in a relationship before. We have our ups and downs - who doesnt. I know he is my "ONE".

For years I have lived a great life. I have a goooood job that I love.I have an awesome boss that has helped me grow instead of giving up on me. Not many people can say they love their job and cant wait to get there on Monday mornings. I am blessed with 3 healthy boys - that think I hung the moon. My brother is close to me. Me and my daddy are over the things we went through in the past. We have a nice home. But there has been this emptiness in my heart that I have not been able to figure out or fulfill. This overwhelming deep within sadness that I just couldnt shake.

At a closing a month or two ago Mrs. Vicki Melancon gave me a book about her son Terry Melancon. He was a Baton Rouge Police Officer that was killed in the line of duty. I read it in about an hour or two and cried the entire time. It made me realize that my "problems" were so petty. It reminded me to stop and smell the roses. It showed me that if she could make it after such a tragedy that I could make it too. In the book she briefly spoke of Healing Place Church. I decided I had to just go check it out. That Sunday morning I felt like I was being drawn to the church by a magnet. I felt right at home at HPC - and then Pastor Dino started talking. Tears streamed down my face. It was almost as if he had been following me through life and the sermon was written just for me. Two things that stuck out that day. 1. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CONTINUE TO TOLERATE. 2. YOU CAN NOT TURN BACK THE CLOCK. the next Sunday I asked Brad to go with me - and to my suprise he said yes. The topic was " I HAVE A FRIEND WITH A MARRIAGE EMERGENCY". Me and Brad are fine - not considering divorce or anything but marriage is hard. This two must have been written just for me. since then we have heard about miracles, the grace of god, blessings, forgiveness...Thank you God. for the first time in so long I feel complete. So happy. I am constantly reminded that things could be worse. I think I have it bad? He paid the ultimate price for me.

I have family and friends going through hard times. I wish I could open their brains and pour in what I have learned from HPC in just 2 months. God knew what he was doing when I got pregnant at 16. Christian gave me a reason to go on. He knew what he was doing when Brandon and I split. I to this day believe that Brandon was put in my life to somewhat "carry" me through the hardest journey of my life. For that I will forever be grateful. But I am thankful for my divorce. Simply because I now get to feel real love. Real happiness. I once thought "I am so alone" "No one cares about me", "I am not good enough", and yes sadly "there is no god".

Alot of hard times I went through I think of the poem "Footprints in the sand". Because there is no way I could have made it alone. And even though I couldnt see the lord, or hear him, even though I shut him out for all of these years....he carried me for so long. When I was in the middle of the floor screaming and crying...when I was so depressed I couldnt get out of bed...He was right there by my side. And when I was ready - he was too.

There is a reason for everything. Trust Gods timing. Its not always just about you. There is a reason my mother died, there is a reason I got pregnant so early, there is a reason why I am divorced, there is a reason I was at the coke machine at the same very second Brad was. There is a reason Vicki Melancon handed me the book that day.

I am so grateful.

Just waiting to hear....

Has anyone talked to Ashley?
Just wondering how her delivery went ... and how the baby is!

Who will watch over you?

I havent been able to stop thinking about the plane that the media at first claimed just vanished. (We now know for sure it crashed.) I know you really shouldnt put your time and energy into thinking about such negative things. The what ifs. But what if? Life just goes by so fast. You never know when that hug and kiss or I love you will be your last. Think about the things we take for granted. The time we think we have. The "I'll get to it tomorrows" or the "I'll tell them one day". I hate to always revert back to discussing my mom....but even her illness happened so quick. I can imagine that many of her thoughts were left unsaid. Many of the things she wanted to do never got done. I just dont want to be that person. I want my thoughts heard out loud. I want to do all those things while I can. I want my children to know what I stand for and what I believe in wether I am here for another day or 50 years! I hate guessing how my mom would have felt about something, wondering if she'd be proud of me. In fact my mom supposedly wrote me and my brother each a letter.... and after all of these years I am still hoping the letters turn up one day just so I can know. I just want to make sure if I am the one you hear about on the news one day.... you know what I want. How I feel. Whats the best way to let it be known? Maybe I'll start blogging about it....?

My boys

Just think....in 5 years Christian will graduate from High School. In 10 years Cameron will graduate. In 13 years Cody will graduate and my house will be empty. Sounds like it is years away but really Christian is 13 years old and I still feel like he was born yesterday. Life is such a rush. You cant wait to turn 16, cant wait till prom, cant wait to graduate, cant wait to move out, cant wait till 18, cant wait till 21, cant wait to find someone, get married, have kids.... then you cant wait for the kids to sleep all night, sleep in their bed, make their own breakfast, dress themselves.....and stop saying mom every waking second that you are together.
Life is such a rush. I need to stop and smell the roses more often. In a few years I'll miss the "momma" every 5 minutes, and picking up after them, and fixing them dinner. Why does it go by so fast?

There are 2 people I want to see in concert before I die. One is coming to New Orleans!!!

Fleetwood Mac is coming to New orleans next month! I have got to see Stevie Nicks and Elton John in concert before I die. I am so excited! Funny when I was a kid I hated this music. I'd beg my parents to turn it off and tell them how uncool they were. Now every song is a memory. Seems like every Saturday morning I'd walk out of my bedroom and see mom cooking a roast, cleaning the house, and blaring one of many Fleetwood Mac songs. And if mom didnt have it on....dad did somewhere else in the house or out washing the boat. I guess you could say I follow in their footsteps b/c usually on saturday mornings I get up, clean house, cook, and blare the radio. It's one of my favorite things to do.

Anyway...tickets go on sale Saturday morning.

The Candle

More random thoughts from my notebook. Please remember some of these were written when I was 13 and 14 years old. What can i say? I am a passionate person that expresses my feelings well. Dont try to guess who this is about. I can assure you that you will guess wrong.

P.S. *** I cant help what my mind comes up with*****



The candle

Have you ever watched a candle burn
from start to end?
It starts out strong and bright....
warm and glowing
but the closer it gets to the end
the warmth wears off
and it struggles to stay strong
the flame slowly diminishes
and the brightness begins to dim
A few loud crackles and pops
and finally its all over
JUST LIKE THAT
If you want to know how I feel today
this is it. This is how I feel about you
this is how I feel about us
And tomorrow???
Do we light another candle?
Or just let it be?
I am tired of struggling to stay strong.
I am sick of feeling cold all the time.
I am tired of fighting to keep it alive.
I am sick of watching candles burn.
I'll stick to the sunshine.

My notebook

Anyone that really knows me... knows that I love to write. It's just a way to vent my frustrations, remember my thoughts later in life, and express myself. These are random thoughts. Not especially about anyone or anything in particular. It just comes to me and I feel the need to write it down. So.... I am going to start adding them and maybe someone will get something out of it. They go back to 1994 but this one is recent. Though they may sound depressing..... I can assure you that I am very happy and not insane or depressed.
xoxoxo

REGRETS

I left when I should have stayed
stayed when I should have left
talked when I should have listened
was quiet when I should have spoken
cried when I should have laughed
wished when I should have prayed
spent when I should have saved
thought about it but never called
accepted the invite but didnt show
promised but didnt
swore but lied
was rebellious instead of respectful
hated when I should have loved
talked about it but didnt follow through
coveted what I didnt have
Failed to realize I had it all
fought - and wasted precious time
made up when I hould have moved on
loved when it was wrong
didnt pay attention when it was right
failed to say goodbye
didnt realize I wasnt being a friend
wasnt there when you needed me
didnt know it was the end.