Who will watch over you?

I havent been able to stop thinking about the plane that the media at first claimed just vanished. (We now know for sure it crashed.) I know you really shouldnt put your time and energy into thinking about such negative things. The what ifs. But what if? Life just goes by so fast. You never know when that hug and kiss or I love you will be your last. Think about the things we take for granted. The time we think we have. The "I'll get to it tomorrows" or the "I'll tell them one day". I hate to always revert back to discussing my mom....but even her illness happened so quick. I can imagine that many of her thoughts were left unsaid. Many of the things she wanted to do never got done. I just dont want to be that person. I want my thoughts heard out loud. I want to do all those things while I can. I want my children to know what I stand for and what I believe in wether I am here for another day or 50 years! I hate guessing how my mom would have felt about something, wondering if she'd be proud of me. In fact my mom supposedly wrote me and my brother each a letter.... and after all of these years I am still hoping the letters turn up one day just so I can know. I just want to make sure if I am the one you hear about on the news one day.... you know what I want. How I feel. Whats the best way to let it be known? Maybe I'll start blogging about it....?

My boys

Just think....in 5 years Christian will graduate from High School. In 10 years Cameron will graduate. In 13 years Cody will graduate and my house will be empty. Sounds like it is years away but really Christian is 13 years old and I still feel like he was born yesterday. Life is such a rush. You cant wait to turn 16, cant wait till prom, cant wait to graduate, cant wait to move out, cant wait till 18, cant wait till 21, cant wait to find someone, get married, have kids.... then you cant wait for the kids to sleep all night, sleep in their bed, make their own breakfast, dress themselves.....and stop saying mom every waking second that you are together.
Life is such a rush. I need to stop and smell the roses more often. In a few years I'll miss the "momma" every 5 minutes, and picking up after them, and fixing them dinner. Why does it go by so fast?

There are 2 people I want to see in concert before I die. One is coming to New Orleans!!!

Fleetwood Mac is coming to New orleans next month! I have got to see Stevie Nicks and Elton John in concert before I die. I am so excited! Funny when I was a kid I hated this music. I'd beg my parents to turn it off and tell them how uncool they were. Now every song is a memory. Seems like every Saturday morning I'd walk out of my bedroom and see mom cooking a roast, cleaning the house, and blaring one of many Fleetwood Mac songs. And if mom didnt have it on....dad did somewhere else in the house or out washing the boat. I guess you could say I follow in their footsteps b/c usually on saturday mornings I get up, clean house, cook, and blare the radio. It's one of my favorite things to do.

Anyway...tickets go on sale Saturday morning.

The Candle

More random thoughts from my notebook. Please remember some of these were written when I was 13 and 14 years old. What can i say? I am a passionate person that expresses my feelings well. Dont try to guess who this is about. I can assure you that you will guess wrong.

P.S. *** I cant help what my mind comes up with*****



The candle

Have you ever watched a candle burn
from start to end?
It starts out strong and bright....
warm and glowing
but the closer it gets to the end
the warmth wears off
and it struggles to stay strong
the flame slowly diminishes
and the brightness begins to dim
A few loud crackles and pops
and finally its all over
JUST LIKE THAT
If you want to know how I feel today
this is it. This is how I feel about you
this is how I feel about us
And tomorrow???
Do we light another candle?
Or just let it be?
I am tired of struggling to stay strong.
I am sick of feeling cold all the time.
I am tired of fighting to keep it alive.
I am sick of watching candles burn.
I'll stick to the sunshine.

My notebook

Anyone that really knows me... knows that I love to write. It's just a way to vent my frustrations, remember my thoughts later in life, and express myself. These are random thoughts. Not especially about anyone or anything in particular. It just comes to me and I feel the need to write it down. So.... I am going to start adding them and maybe someone will get something out of it. They go back to 1994 but this one is recent. Though they may sound depressing..... I can assure you that I am very happy and not insane or depressed.
xoxoxo

REGRETS

I left when I should have stayed
stayed when I should have left
talked when I should have listened
was quiet when I should have spoken
cried when I should have laughed
wished when I should have prayed
spent when I should have saved
thought about it but never called
accepted the invite but didnt show
promised but didnt
swore but lied
was rebellious instead of respectful
hated when I should have loved
talked about it but didnt follow through
coveted what I didnt have
Failed to realize I had it all
fought - and wasted precious time
made up when I hould have moved on
loved when it was wrong
didnt pay attention when it was right
failed to say goodbye
didnt realize I wasnt being a friend
wasnt there when you needed me
didnt know it was the end.

It Wont Be Like This For Long

This song is so true. It seems like yesterday I was changing diapers and washing bottles. Now I am on to dances, dates, and things that my boys think are way more important than mom. We get so caught up in life, work, housework....sometimes I forget to stop and smell the roses. Thank you Darius Rucker for reminding me.... that it wont be like this for long.

Lack of Family

Am I the only one that remembers when no matter what…. You always had someone on your side. Your family! If you were broke, starving, lonely, pregnant, depressed or just wanted some company…. They were there! And you were there for them for the good and the bad. The highlight of my childhood was spending time with family. Swimming in Aunt Angel’s pool, listening to the grown ups play guitar and sing while the kids (me!) went snooping around the neighborhood or played Nintendo. Thanksgiving, Christmas, 4th of July, Easter. We cooked, laughed, but mostly just spent time together. I always felt like I had a mob to back me up if anyone crossed my path. In my family we don’t have 2nd, 3rd, 4th cousins – we are all cousins. Family. Close family.

You would think that since my mom died at such a young age, we would spend more time together. These days we are all just too busy. Myself included. It seems like my immediate family gets my attention but I am too tired or too busy to go participate in other family functions. I am not even sure there are family functions anymore. It’s just sad. I wish my kids could experience what I felt growing up. I think every other weekend I was at one of the grandparents. My grandparents taught me so much. Cooking, baking, social skills, religion, family values. I am just trying to figure out what changed and why. My kids rarely spend the night with family. They wont have the memories that I had. Or hear the stories about “the good old days”. I cant help but wonder how different things would be if mom were here. She was the glue that held us together.

Typically, someone would be there for me about right now telling me to pick my big drooping chin up off the floor, or making me laugh. Reminding me how good I have it. Reminding me that “family is everything.” “As long as we have family…that is all that matters. As long as we have each other”. What changed?