You think you have it bad?

Things happen for a reason. We are told this over and over again. It's just so easy to doubt that its true. It makes me feel better to blame someone - to hold a grudge against someone - and for the longest time it was God. I have had a hard life but I keep pushing through. I dont know anyone that has had it easy. My mom died when I was in high school. I got pregnant and married at 16. Divorced at 20. It was so easy to put the blame on someone. I can remember thinking if there was a God then my mother would not have died. I felt alone and isolated. I wasn't. I shut people out - and kept to myself. I spent all of my time with Brandon. My mom was my rock. Few people know this but when she died I was very depressed - and thought many times about not going on. I wanted to die. This was one of the hardest times of my life. And then along comes Christian. Pregnant at 16 was not easy. It caused problems with my dad and step mom. It caused problems with me being in high school. 9 months later for the first time in a long time there was a peep of sunshine in my life again. Christian gave me a resaon to get up in the mornings. A reason to breathe. A reason to live.

And I remember Brandon leaving - and being on my knees praying and screaming to God that he was ruining my life. Why on earth would you ruin my marriage? What would people think? how would I go on? How would I breathe? Times were really hard - divorce was hard. Brandon had been there for me through my moms illness. He held my hand and wiped my tears. He reminded me that I would be ok. He was there. and just like that he wasnt. So my thoughts are - this God that can create miracles sure hasnt created one in mine. KEEP READING. DONT GIVE UP ON ME YET!!

A few weeks later - while at work and completely unexpecting anything - I met Brad at a coke machine. At a coke machine of all places. I knew the moment we spoke that I loved this man. You can call me crazy all you want. I knew. We went on a date that night and at the end of the night I told him I was going to marry him one day. And...I did. the love I share with him is unlike any other love I have ever experienced. It's endless. Something about the way he looks at me. I trust him. Trust - something I never had in a relationship before. We have our ups and downs - who doesnt. I know he is my "ONE".

For years I have lived a great life. I have a goooood job that I love.I have an awesome boss that has helped me grow instead of giving up on me. Not many people can say they love their job and cant wait to get there on Monday mornings. I am blessed with 3 healthy boys - that think I hung the moon. My brother is close to me. Me and my daddy are over the things we went through in the past. We have a nice home. But there has been this emptiness in my heart that I have not been able to figure out or fulfill. This overwhelming deep within sadness that I just couldnt shake.

At a closing a month or two ago Mrs. Vicki Melancon gave me a book about her son Terry Melancon. He was a Baton Rouge Police Officer that was killed in the line of duty. I read it in about an hour or two and cried the entire time. It made me realize that my "problems" were so petty. It reminded me to stop and smell the roses. It showed me that if she could make it after such a tragedy that I could make it too. In the book she briefly spoke of Healing Place Church. I decided I had to just go check it out. That Sunday morning I felt like I was being drawn to the church by a magnet. I felt right at home at HPC - and then Pastor Dino started talking. Tears streamed down my face. It was almost as if he had been following me through life and the sermon was written just for me. Two things that stuck out that day. 1. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CONTINUE TO TOLERATE. 2. YOU CAN NOT TURN BACK THE CLOCK. the next Sunday I asked Brad to go with me - and to my suprise he said yes. The topic was " I HAVE A FRIEND WITH A MARRIAGE EMERGENCY". Me and Brad are fine - not considering divorce or anything but marriage is hard. This two must have been written just for me. since then we have heard about miracles, the grace of god, blessings, forgiveness...Thank you God. for the first time in so long I feel complete. So happy. I am constantly reminded that things could be worse. I think I have it bad? He paid the ultimate price for me.

I have family and friends going through hard times. I wish I could open their brains and pour in what I have learned from HPC in just 2 months. God knew what he was doing when I got pregnant at 16. Christian gave me a reason to go on. He knew what he was doing when Brandon and I split. I to this day believe that Brandon was put in my life to somewhat "carry" me through the hardest journey of my life. For that I will forever be grateful. But I am thankful for my divorce. Simply because I now get to feel real love. Real happiness. I once thought "I am so alone" "No one cares about me", "I am not good enough", and yes sadly "there is no god".

Alot of hard times I went through I think of the poem "Footprints in the sand". Because there is no way I could have made it alone. And even though I couldnt see the lord, or hear him, even though I shut him out for all of these years....he carried me for so long. When I was in the middle of the floor screaming and crying...when I was so depressed I couldnt get out of bed...He was right there by my side. And when I was ready - he was too.

There is a reason for everything. Trust Gods timing. Its not always just about you. There is a reason my mother died, there is a reason I got pregnant so early, there is a reason why I am divorced, there is a reason I was at the coke machine at the same very second Brad was. There is a reason Vicki Melancon handed me the book that day.

I am so grateful.